HOW TO RETURN YOUR RELATIONSHIP TO LOVE

Relationship fights are supposed to clear the air and bring us closer together.
That's what relationship experts have told us. Too often, though, the opposite
occurs. A fight creates distance . . . and makes both partners feel as though
love has been destroyed. Is there a way to return a relationship to love after
a fight? There is . . . and I found it when fights created distance in my
marriage, a marriage that had before only experienced love.

It happened during the most stressful years of my marriage, right after our son
Jeffrey died in an auto accident. Bob and I were both very angry, consumed with
grief. When we fought during those years, we almost always said things we
regretted. For example, Bob has a habit of drinking too much coffee and getting
grouchy as a result. In the days following our son's death, I had no tolerance
for unhappiness. The weight of grief and guilt I carried was just too much for
me to handle, and Bob's frequent barking touched my unhappiness nerve.

"Coffee turns you into a grouch and makes me sorry I married you." I wasn't
trying to put him down. I merely wanted him to realize how much his grouchiness
was hurting me, but Bob felt put down and he retaliated. "You're a health nut!
No one can live up to your standards!" Once, he became so angry he stormed out
and told me he would divorce me if I ever put him down again.

"How can I return my relationship to love?" It's a question I desperately
needed an answer to when I thought I might lose the man I loved. Yes, Bob lets
coffee sharpen his tongue - and he has other annoying habits as well - but he's
a great guy. I can't imagine living without him. You feel the same way about
your partner. When left alone in an empty room, we all want our partners back.

"How can I return my relationship to love?" To find the answer, I first flipped
through my large collection of self-help relationship books. I didn't find
anything that would help me, however. Even the most popular ones outlined
communication techniques that seemed outdated. I wanted something spiritual,
something that would return Bob and I to the good relationship we already had -
not change it into something awkward or mechanical.

I decided to try something unusual. I looked into the spiritual team-building
techniques Bob and I had developed to create success in our business. Our
techniques had increased morale, sales and collections, and Bob and I had
solved other business problems with them as well. Would one of our
team-building exercises return our marriage to love? I had nothing to lose and
so I gave it a try.

While Bob was driving around the block trying to cool off, I used one of my
most successful business exercises, called "What you appreciate . . . grows,"
and I adapted it to relationships.

I took out a blank piece of paper. At the top of the page, I wrote: "Things I
like about Bob." I listed some of the qualities that had attracted me to him:
He's loyal, he talks to me about his feelings, he's supportive of my goals in
life, he's good-looking.

Next, I wrote down this question: "Why do I like these things about Bob?"

Under "He's loyal," I wrote:

I know that he'll never cheat on me
He takes my side when someone picks on me
No one ever puts me down when he's around
He's the type of person who will work out problems

Under "He talks to me about his feelings," I wrote:

I feel good when Bob shares his feelings with me
I feel more confident about myself, less awkward about my own feelings
I feel relieved - as though I'm being given permission to share too

Under "He's supportive of my goals," I wrote:

He's always there when I need him!
He's my champion
Whenever I pick on myself, he tells me that I'm being too hard on myself
I know that - no matter what - Bob will love me
How many women can say this?
I never thought I'd have someone who loves me this much

Under "He's good-looking," I wrote:

I'm a little embarrassed to admit how much I like watching Bob undress, but I do
He's all man
He didn't get flabby when he reached his 50's
I would have loved him anyway, but it's a treat to see him keep his good looks
Some days, he reminds me of the boy he once was
He's strong and handsome - and I dream about going to the prom with him
I didn't have many joyful days as a teenage
With Bob it would have been so different
He's graceful - probably because he plays golf
I wonder if playing golf has made him a good dancer?

I wrote the exercise from my heart. I didn't write the things that self-help
books and religious leaders tell us we're supposed to appreciate. I wrote down
the things about Bob that make me happy. Then, with the second question, "Why
do I like these things?" . . . I amplified my thoughts.

It worked! When Bob returned home - instead of giving me the silent treatment -
he apologized. He had never apologized to me after a fight. He had always
delegated the job of fixing our fights to me. He's not the type of man who
likes to give in.

But that night, he did give in. He gave in to love. I had not only found the
key to returning our relationship to love . . . I had found a magical new way
to communicate with Bob, using a spiritual technique to accurately express the
feelings in my heart and bypass the words that are often misunderstood.

You can do the same thing! Use this new spiritual tool after a fight, or when
you feel unappreciated or rejected, or when you just want more love. Use it
with all of your relationships, even your business relationships. For whenever
love is missing . . . you'll now be able to return your relationships to love. 



© Copyright 2000, Mary Anne Thomas. All rights reserved.

Additional Comments: Mary Anne Thomas's "Creative Relationships" discoveries
have been taught in popular and professional seminars all around the world, and
her "Creative Relationships" course was the first information on relationships
taught to family practice physicians through the University of North Carolina
Medical School. Mary Anne is the author of "An Adventure of the Mind," a new
spiritual workbook that teaches you how to manifest your dreams using mental
and spiritual tools rather than physical effort. It's the true story of her own
adventure with her husband following the death of their son, as they decided to
find more powerful, more spiritual ways to live. Find "An Adventure of the
Mind" as well as free articles that teach the wonders of creating with the mind
at http://www.mindadventures.com